For several days, I had mixed feelings about reviewing Wolfenstein. I wasn't sure why. I just stared at the empty Microsoft Word sheet with blank and tired eyes. After playing this release, my mouth was a bit dry. And it tasted funny. It tasted like vomit and honey. But it's 2009, so the vomit looked good. Do you see where I'm going with this? Then, I realised that I cannot review Wolfenstein as a traditional journalist. I simply can't.

The duality that encased me while playing, made me realise that schizophrenia is the name of the path I must take to review Wolfenstein. So, there shall be two writers on the job. One will be Remus, and the other shall be his Penis (notice the rhyme...)

Remus says: After so many years of waiting, Wolfenstein fans finally have a sequel. It's not that great, but it's something anyone could try. Some hardcore fans may be disappointed, but most of the people out there will tightly grasp the game's strong points and love them until the end. The story starts on Cliché Avenue, with our beloved alpha-Jew, aiding an allied resistance in a small village, shooting peas at Nazis, and before you know it, the prequel smacks us in the head with its Return To Castle Wolfenstein-brand of mystical Nazis, spellcasters, and other pagan hullabaloo. Same shit, different day. But the shit is mildy fun and entertaining. I'll try to be as brief as I can, so my 'partner' can tell its side of the story. Getting back to the entertainment, Wolfenstein acts like a normal first person shooter, built by the numbers. It resembles so much with other FPSes it's almost infuriating. But what it stole, it's done nicely. Although the maps are pretty big, a sense of linearity haunts the player from start to finish. But some things really changed since Wolfenstein's prequel. First of all, very soon, the player can posess a serious number of magical special abilities that manage to keep the player engaged in battles, and, you really need to learn to use them wisely because you'll need them in boss-fights.

Now these pieces of the game are really good. You need to use special tactics and move around like a gerbil pumped on crack. These sections really give a bit of a speed-rush (typical for Quake-like shooters) and the mental reward is great. The laughable aspect of the game (one of them at least) comes from the arsenal. Every gun can be upgraded, and in fact, MUST be upgraded so they can pack a decent punch. The people who modify the weapons for you must be paid, of course. And the currency is your time... Literally. You must scavenge cash from all over the levels, tossing dumpsters and park benches aside so you can find some spare change that can make a difference in the near future. It's just pathetic. The other aspect of that leaves professionals with a bit of dry mouth is the Superman-Touch. The superpowers are too... super. The challenge goes to hell along with your retinas, because the greenish-blue effect really fucks with your eyesight. And now, I must abruptly and this quicker-than-quick-review, because my penis has also a few things to say about Wolfenstein. *unzipps pants*

Penis says: You gotta be fucking kidding me? Eight years and this is all they come up with? First of all, this game is an insult to first person shooters. Sure, it might sound appealing to the Call Of Duty-type of retard that doesn't indentify a REAL fast-paced shooter if it hits him im the groin. Leaving the graphics and other tech thingies aside, let's get down to the core. Why the fuck do you have to hold a button to run? (with your weapon holstered, of course). It's incredble! Return To Castle Wolfenstein must be feeling raped right about now. It was buit on the goddamn Quake 3 engine. Which meant: lots of fun, lots of action, and REALLY fast-paced. The real version of 'fast-paced'. Any true fan will spit at this sequel between its undeserving retarded eyes. Why do weapons need to be upgraded? The first BJ (and no, no felatio jokes this time, because everyone else got there first) didn't need to to visit Toys'R'Us to get a goddamn scope for his sniper rifle. You either find it now, or later. You take the guns, and you shoot nazis. End of story. You don't need gimicky bullshit to make your game better. Just stick to the basics. Nothing in this game made me feel like I was in a Wolfenstein game. Nothing! Sure, I wasn't expecting Hitler in a Robocop suit like in the first Wolfenstein, the EGA version, but still, some awe-inducing moments need to be present here. It's got Wolfenstein on the cover, right? I'm not sure how I intend to rape this game any further. Remus always says "Blood on my knife or shit on my dick", so I'll do whatever he orders. And since I don't have a knife... let's talk about the green-goo-super-powers. And my first word is "Crysis". Yeah, that's what I said. The bullet-time is just a reverse sprint, and the increased weapon damage is a joke. It's like a cheat-code activated for two seconds. Bullshit. Still, it doesn't help you feel like God, your weapons doesn't feel like the mighty Jesus-penis either. Because of course, what can a crappy game do to lower its standards even more? Respawns.

No ammount of cheating will make you feel better. Trust me. The empty, look-alike streets of Wolfenstein combined with the respawn rates of toads in World Of Warcraft, will make you ejaculate lava. If I am to rate a game for its pointless repetition and shitty gameplay additions ripped off from other games, than I can honestly say this game gives me a 25% of a stiffy. Nothing more. But after this disappointing endeavour in PC gaming, Remus will reinstall Return To Castle Wolfenstein, and I'm sure that after 15 minutes, I'll be so hard that Remus can use me to hunt elk across the tundra and beat them to death.

...barely